Where Did THAT Come From?!

I was coasting along, taking things one small punch at a time, absorbing upsetting news and a long list of complaints.  All.  Day.  Long.  Maybe absorbing isn't the right word...  I swallowed it all like a bothersome lump in my throat.  On top of that there were delays and a schedule to heed to.  The delays only reminded me of the failures of my system of control, and it all seemed to be unraveling at an alarming pace for me.  Those sour lumps I had swallowed suddenly started ejecting themselves from my stomach via word vomit.  And the word vomit was ugly.  It came with a stench and a punch (literally) and it was all directed at my failings.

Right away, as I'm confessing this, I see two truths clearly:

1) It is not my responsibility or in my strength to ingest the problems around me.  Rather than swallow the lump, I should have dissolved it by handing over the responsibility to the One who can do something about it.  Why didn't I take the time to pray and cast my burdens (1 Peter 5:6-8)?  Because it seemed small enough?  Insignificant?  I thought I could handle it and, honestly, I liked the high I was experiencing being able to cope - especially after being so fragile for so long.  But what is that other than pride?

2) What is in a person's heart comes out through their mouth (Matthew 15:18), and what came hurling forth from mine was nothing short of ugly.  How can the Holy Spirit give me such open eyes to see others with grace, and yet I'm so blind to myself?!  Something is really rotting in me... It's not just low self-esteem; my heart has turned a dark corner.

I had an ah-ha! moment later that day.  Some friends came over to watch a Beth Moore simulcast about grace.  This is the truth that left me "slack-jawed," as she put it: Realize that God being disappointed (especially in you) does not appear in Scriptures!  God is not disappointed in us!  Disappointment, by definition of the word, is an unmet expectation; it's a human malady.  God is omniscient.  He knows everything - past, present, and future - and can therefore not be surprised.  He knows every detail of your life, so how can He not know what you will do.  Now He is displeased by our lack of faith, but not disappointed.

That truth was so immediately freeing!  I know what happens in human relationships when someone is disappointed.  There is a break in communion.  There is a fracture of trust.  There is a separating of association.  The consequence in disappointment is to be removed for a period of time from the other person's grace or favor.  That's why disappointing someone you care about hurts so much, because you can't bear the shame of what you've done to your relationship with them.

That shame does not exist within your relationship with God because He is never disappointed in you!  You are always full-in with Him.  When you stumble or fall flat on your face with revealing skid marks across the bridge of your nose, He is not disappointed in you!  He stoops to pick you up with all tenderness (Psalm 113) and sits close to you to make sure you're all right, first of all, and then speaks with tenderness about what happened (Psalm 116).  His only goal is to restore you and to make His joy complete in you (Psalm 86)!

"This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us.  For God is greater than our hearts, and He knows everything" (1 John 3:19-20).

God, I implore You - TAKE THE UGLY FROM MY HEART!  Remove my blinders.  Cleanse me from the lies.  I want Your eyes for me!  I want to know - full-out-head-to-toe-live-out-loud-KNOW - how complete Your grace is for me.  Show me today and then never stop.  Please...